I broke down in tears tonight. I broke down, sobbing, in front of my children. I realize how irrational this is, and a part of me is convinced, hopeful, that it’s just plain crazy, but this is hard. It started with a video. This one:
I figured “and now we mourn” was a fitting title to follow my last entry, “and now we wait.” I am truly emotionally devastated by the election results. I am still struggling to decide what I am thinking of as the “ratio of my devastation,” meaning, how much of my devastation is because I am saddened by the outcome, and how much is because it was not at all what I expected. I think it’s about half and half, but both are quite upsetting to me. If you know me, you know that the unpredictable makes me uncomfortable and I strive to understand the world and wish it were fair, and I am shaken when the fundamental understanding of things comes into question. The latter seems to come with unpredictable responses from me (which is unsettling). I am often really excited when what we thought was true isn’t, but apparently in some cases, this terrifies me. I am clearly a mixed bag.
I’ve tried to keep this as unemotional as possible, attempting to make it as rational a place as possible. It’s a bit hard for me to be non-emotional today. This election has taxed us all, in different ways. For some, it’s been awful because of a hatred for both candidates, for folks like me, it’s been awful to watch bullying in action. To see an amazingly talented, smart, qualified candidate be torn down by baseless accusations and innuendo. At this point though, I have to say that I am full of emotion, and, as a facebook friend said, I feel like it’s Christmas Eve, and I’m just waiting for Santa to come. I felt this way last night, consumed by an eagerness to vote in the morning, and now I feel it again, consumed by an eagerness to get the results. Of course, that feeling is almost entirely based on my expectation that Clinton will become the president-elect sometime, hopefully early, tonight.